I really, really like this guy,  but I have had a lot of bad relationships in the past and I don't want to be hurt again. Hayden swears up and down that he lives there only because it is a good thing for his daughter. He says he is not "with" the mother. What do you think about this? I can't afford to get hurt again. -- CONFUSED AND HURT IN MINNESOTA

Dear C&H in M:

I don't know about Minnesota but in in the SFV openly gay couples can live together without fear of attacks by the locals, it's fairly normal. I'd say having a female role model around for the kid will be good and having two dads may make the little tyke turn out a little weird in the long run, just make sure they don't barge in on you during one of your ass spelunking sessions, the trauma could be ever lasting. Perhaps to level out the household you should take in boarders from the local circus that's passing through, nothing spices things up like a few clowns and midgets.

DEAR PROFESSOR: Will a Chevy 350 engine match up with my 1951 GMC 4 speed tranny and work ok?
-- JESSICA IN ST.LOUIS

This one reminds me of my years in the university. I had a student who would ask the same question over and over again. One day I asked him why he kept asking the same question and his reply was he liked the sound of the answer. For what ever reason, this answer completed a piece of his mental puzzle than so many of us are missing pieces from the box of life. I'd say While 4 speed are good, 5 would be better and the cost of adapters would exceed the cost of a more contemporary transmission, but if it's what you need to feel complete then go for it.

DEAR PROFESSOR: My boyfriend was a virgin before we started dating. We have been having sex for a few months now. The only way he can climax is by masturbating after intercourse. He has never come from sex alone. What can be done because I am starting to feel like there is a problem with me, or is it that he is just too used to his hand?
-- A HANDFUL IN HANFORD

After consulting my medical journals, it seems the only way this could happen is you having a cavernous pussy. Upon your request, I can send you to a colleague of mine for vaginal rejuvenation.

DEAR PROFESSOR: I am relatively new to welding, and had a few quick questions for you: what's the maximum thickness in steel that you can weld with a MIG welder?

What's the easiest stick to weld steel, with a basic AC buzz box?

What's the secret of getting good TIG welds with aluminum and stainless steel (besides, "practice")?

-- WELDING NEWBIE IN WICHITA

The only way to know this is to build a soapbox car and use it until it breaks. Find the weak points and start over until you've reached max thickness, then start welding shopping carts together and returning them to the store, this should give you insight on how to lay a weld like a stack of dimes.

DEAR PROFESSOR: I am the stepmother of a preteen girl who has emotional problems. "Leah" treats me, my family and my friends like garbage. She's insulting, disrespectful and very mouthy. She lives with us because we are a stable, loving family, and our community has an excellent school system.

Leah's father and I are trying our best to raise her correctly and show her we love her very much, but it hasn't been easy. We are not the enemy because we expect her to clean her room, do her homework and participate in family life.

I would like to urge divorced parents everywhere to refrain from poisoning their children's minds about their stepparents. Bad-mouthing and brainwashing backfires in the end. Leah is more hurt than we are by her mother's constant negative input.

My husband and I will soon begin counseling with Leah, but I'd like to know if there is a support group for stepparents that we can join. We're trying the best we know how, and it would help to talk to other people in our situation. -- WEARY IN WYOMING

This works every time:

What you'll need:

A sedan with a large trunk that is not yours.

Some rope.

A small head sized sack.

A shovel.

A squirt gun.

A clown mask and suit.

Abduct child from own home in the dark of night. Use clown mask and suit to conceal your identity. Tie child up and place bag over head. Drive to open Field a few miles from town. Pull child out of car. Take gun and force him/her to start digging, a few pistol whips for realism is OK. Once they have dug the hole tell them they are going to die now and is there anything they want to say. Before they can speak, squirt them with the squirt gun, saying that words won't save you now. Get in sedan, leave child to walk home. When home act like nothing has happened. What clown? Repeat if necessary.

DEAR PROFESSOR: I need helpful advice in two areas. I am a 35 year old male virgin. I am close friends with this 29 year old perky, sweet, and intense babe. I feel more comfortable and nearly ready for sex. We have decided on a weekend of great sex.

First, we meet at her place. We get undressed together. We are completely naked. She wants to spend a half hour or more showing me her entire place. She says she wants to observe three things from me while I am naked - my self confidence, my body language, and how I choose to show her my penis. She says she definitely wants to be impressed with the last. She wants this half hour or so to be about openness and not foreplay and not sex. She wants nothing rushed. Can you help me express myself with naked body language?

-- NEW AT BEING NAKED IN NANTUCKET

Find a large space in her house and perform some cartwheels. If that doesn't convince her, hold a pack of hot dogs (kosher) in one hand and a jar of Vaseline in the under while doing your best Arnold Swarzennegger impression, screaming "Get in the chopper!" at the top of your lungs. If by then things aren't working, this bitch is gay for sure, go home open up to the page of the Succubus in the Advanced Dungeons and Dragons Monster Manual 1 and masturbate till you see blood.